To my fellow dreamers.
You can’t do it. It’s dangerous. Come on, be realistic, do you really want to travel till you die? Sounds familiar, doesn’t it? More often than not, these people are your family, people you love.
It’s extremely difficult to fight the people you love. You know they have your best interests at heart. You know that their fear of waking up to news of your death in a foreign land. You know they’ve read the horror stories and hoped it won’t be you. And that makes everything worse. How could you fight against their love? What justification do you have for hurting your loved ones, you horrible person? So, we camouflaged. We pretended it’s okay, for them. But the desire burns you inside out, the ache is always too strong to ignore. The yearning for adventure never really dies, it’s just sort of sleeping.
I’m not going to lie. It’s not easy at all. Sure, if you’re the fuck-you-I’m-going type, great for you. But most people aren’t these people. I sure am not. I’ve fought kicking and screaming (not literally), I’ve pleaded and begged. At one point, I was almost cajoled into not going. Why? Because I’m tired. I’m tired of justifying myself. I’m tired of going loop to loop, again and again on the same argument. I was ready to throw it all away just to escape this cycle. Thank God I didn’t.
“Why do you allow yourself to be at the mercy of others? Why do you allow yourself to be the object of control of another? Why do you allow him to dictate your life and your desires?”
This came from a particularly wise woman. Why indeed? I was having a lot of issues with my boyfie then. He wouldn’t let me go no matter what. When I first heard her advice, I was stunned. There are so many reasons I couldn’t do this. I love him. This is breaking us apart, I don’t want to lose him. I can’t imagine my life without him. She’s crazy, I thought, she couldn’t have understood what I was going through. Inception is right. Once an idea rooted, it’s immensely hard to get rid of it. That idea haunted me for days. Why am I less important than what he wanted?
At the end, I went. It wasn’t a straight out act of rebellion against his love. I care deeply about him, but I decided that it’s more important to not deprieve myself that chance. It’s a little odd to say this, but I found myself on the trip and I found that I can actually live my life without him. We broke up soon after that, ending our relationship of 6 years. It wasn’t because of this trip per se, but this trip made me realize how different we were and how far we grew apart. Sometimes, we lose people because of our passion. My parents were pissed at me, but they came back and that’s all that matters. Those who truly loves you come back. There’s no question about that. Take a leap of faith. No one’s gonna realize your dream but you.